A thought on Life (
Top )
As i sit here, staring into the darkness that lies beyond my comprehension, i wonder what will become of my essence What, if anything, will remain when i leave this consciousness. My mind is a flurry of lost thoughts. Without direction I only seek the deepest, most haunting thought. I think and feel like a lost individual. Its sort of paradox. I fear that once i do find myself, then i will have to understand myself, but i really don't want to do so. I feel and think, at this point, that life is but an existence, soo short, soo false, soo revealing, that only those who actually let themselves be free in it, can actually enjoy it. Those who are like me, are only tortured by and frequently reminded of, their own mortality. Of course, if it were known, exactly what would happen, or even if it were known that mortality was not soo, what would beings like me think of? Being that i can only think of my own mortality, i can never experience this, and therefore i am unable to even ponder it. How do people deal with the fact that they too will die someday, its almost like a cruel joke. Like we are animals that have been given toys, but have them taken away while we were in the middle of really enjoying them.
One day, death will rear its head and take me with it and there is absolutely NOTHING i can do. This thought of eventual release from this "paradise" scares and intimidates me, to the point of my current mental state. Life is meant to get caught up in, and it is only those who perish during our lifetime, that remind us of our own eventual conclusion. Whether it be fast, slow, or sudden. Once it is complete, ITS COMPLETE. There is no return, there is no restore, there is no pardon from it.
The lives we live today are but merely a step up in life's evolutional ladder. This is not the "evolution" we know of, but an evolution of the mind and spirit. Driven from what was and will be, we arise to a new world, one with a full array of experiences which train us for the next step in the process. what we do, don't do, mess up, make good of, is of no consequence, its only a training sequence, one in which we are here to learn. No matter what happens, we still learn. This learning sequence is what trains us to deal with the next step in our evolution. There is no penalty for not learning, because no matter what you do, you still learn. I guess we could describe this stage as a sort of "muscle memory" training for our emotional state. We live each day learning emotional memory, which will be carried to the next step.
Add Comment (
Top )
Somewhere in the deepest depths of my being I feel the dark pulling away at my heart. It yanks and pulls with the furry of a million horses on the wild prairie during a stampede. Being so young as I am, I just can’t understand how I can feel as though I have been so dead for ages. Every now and then I see myself old and forgotten by those who have passed on before me and I realize that I am lost, a ship with no destination afloat in the middle of the ocean, a plane without wings and no where to land. I think still that life has been hallow existence. I look back upon all the great times I had with band, family, and friends, but I still feel alone, I sometimes cry just because I feel this unparallel sorrow towards myself and what I have not done or discovered. When I watch a history lesson, I think back and picture myself in the moment. I become the person that they are talking about; this is where I derive my pleasure from. I continue to watch, procrastinating all that the current world requires of me. As I sink lower and lower, farther and farther into what I want to be apart of, I realize that I will someday be apart of someone else’s moment of procrastinated thought. I flash back to my present time for just a few moments, thinking of family and the life I am living and I wonder, like most life wonders, is there anything more. At that moment I think of all the humans who have lived the simple life, asking only for what they are given and being content with that which they have. Then you have the humans who want what they take and get what they at least, feel they need. Then my mind wonders to what has happened and what is to come. I guess I come to an age-old question that leaves even the brightest of all wondering. I feel deep down that life is only a cycle of behavior only changed by evolution. Time plays the part of and represents death, not life. The older I get the more alone I see my presence and then I beg to the heavens to let me be myself, but they wont let me. Well I guess some “people” would call what I am writing about "a deep depression followed by loneliness of the heart". Maybe they would be right; maybe they don’t have a clue. See I still appreciate my life and I never wish to die from it. In fact, by all accounts I hope to live past it, ever growing and living an eternal life of great pleasure and satisfaction. But, as we all know, this is not possible, as life is filled with whatever it pleases to be full of. Life, well, life is just a very large, well planned mystery with many choices and a lot of lessons. I do ask of the higher ones, what is the point of learning, when life as it is, generally 60-100 years long, does not offer anything but satisfaction before you die. What is the point of knowing anything if you cannot go on forever with it. Just now I think back to an episode of Babylon five, the great elders, supposedly the first beings to come into being. These creatures are immortal and hold the greatest wisdom. Ya know the funniest thing about those creatures; they didn’t share their knowledge.
I look at my aging parents and think what life would be without them and I cry, not for them, but for me. Who would I love, who could I care so much about, hell who could I cry with. When I think of them as if they were gone from my life, the black hole at bottom of my heart starts to suck me into a deeper depression. Family is family, they are there to do anything expected and unexpected, they are there to feel your pain and experience your joy with you. As my mind paces between sections of thought, brought on by the “what if” thoughts, I look at my life as it is. I feel cheated of what I have not given myself. People say that you create your own path through life; I often say that I had forgotten my machete and that I was wandering aimlessly through the jungle. I guess my question would be; what is all this for? We live, we learn, we love, then we die. That’s it, no grand finally, no huge fireworks display, just a few words from those who loved/knew you. A small tribute to you, if you were lucky, but why should that matter to you. Your dead, you can’t watch, listen, smell, feel, or do anything. I guess at that point all you can do is surround yourself with those you love and those that love you back.
Seeing the old remind us of our own mortality, I think this is the reason we put them in homes, away from us, to be detached from them, allowing us more time to forget how much we actually loved them. Making their death bearable when it finally comes.
I think my life has and will be some sort of tribute to my parents. My dad who does not want to end up like his dad and my mom who is desperately trying to LIVE for once. They both in realizing their own mortality, force me to realize mine.
by Deep on 5/23/02 at 1am
Add Comment (
Top )
You know its amazing. We as humans tend to try and shield ourselves from danger. We try everything in our power to avoid situations that we cannot control and when one comes along we try to figure a way out of it instead of just reacting to it letting our reflexes lead the way. All great athletes have some type of muscle memory and for those who don’t, join the military. If there is one thing that the military does right, its training. They teach people muscle memory, or as most people refer to it as, thinking on your feet. The military teaches muscle memory in stressful situations when stress is at an all time high and things are happening soo quickly that you just react instead of thinking about it. Funny thing is, I was never in the military and I could never be in the military. I would rather think about a situation than react to it in some purely instinctual way and I have a problem with authority. I don’t know why I have a problem with authority, maybe its just laziness or assumptions. I tend to follow rather than lead. However, there is one thing about me, I tend to follow without question those I find to be wise and honorable. I don’t base my conclusions about another person on what other people say, but only with what I see and learn about them. Your brain is a muscle and it too has its own muscle memory, which twitches from time to time. Mine likes to twitch at odd moments. I usually end up remembering something that is completely unrelated to the current moment except for one single minuet detail that does not affect anything about the current moment. I often begin to ask myself, WTF!! Its seems like my brain is saying.. (Italian guy) WHAAT? WHAAT? And then I shake my head.
I find observing life as it flows very entertaining and quite interesting. I have this inner need to observe all around me before I put my hand in and change it. The emotion is quite indescribable by most but very true in its form. I will explain it like this, have you ever stopped on a channel while watching tv, then 10 to 15 minutes later ask yourself WHY THE HELL are you are watching that program/channel? (I do this a lot) I would call it muscle memory of the mind. It sees information and stops my body from responding while it soaks it in. retarded huh!
Okey, well back to the topic. As noted above, we try and try and try to keep ourselves alive. But what we don’t realize is that we are only prolonging the inevitable. WHAAAAA is what I say. Anywho, as I talk to the older people (elders), I tend to ask them many questions about their past and emotions linked to that past. I wish to experience their emotion with them, I want to feel what they felt and not have to live it. I want to feel generations of grief, despair, joy, shame, and happiness! I also want to be entertained.
Well nothing gets me down more when I find myself playing games online with people that are half my age and they beat me. So devoted as I was when I found it, but yet applying more skill and heart to it than I am. I guess you could compare me to an old soldier at that point. I have seen, I have known, I have felt, and I want to do it again. But yet I am unable to, thus forever longing to repeat my past to yet again experience again what I have already accomplished. Then after a short revelation, I notice the despair in my heart at the inadequacies that I am. A person I know, seems to always mark things with the comment, “I feel old now” when speaking to younger people. He longs for the past he cant go back to and urns for a future of the same, but stuck within a life he has chosen to live. I often see his dilemma and know that one-day, his will be mine. This only causes further confusion and stress. This is the stress of the modern people that is what will eventually cause our demise. We build up emotions, we urn for emotions and we analyze our emotions and our body reacts. It is that reaction that often causes our death. Like a cancer, these emotions eventually take our bodies over and over time destroy their very host. Maybe it is a self-destructive mechanism that nature is employing here. Nature’s way of mercy; let us kill ourselves sooner in order to cure us of our pain. Best part about the whole deal, we don’t know its happening and are therefore unable to react for the better.
Crazy is the only experience we have in the end. Amazing is the just ride we took to get there.
Add Comment (
Top )
What happens to a person when they realize their own genius? What does this person do? Where does this person go? The answers depend on the person, but in my case, I sob at the insane cycle of knowing what to do but being unable to actually carry it out, not because of my own lack of specific knowledge, but the lack of willingness to carry out that knowledge by others. After this realization, the duty to repeat the same demographic style of a young single male calls upon me to fulfill my role.
What is your definition of a genius? Mine would be a person who can find anyway around a complex problem using known and unknown methods. Known and unknown methods could be understood by this person or not, it does not matter; the point is they found their way around the complex problem. The person must repeatedly do this for any problem they face.
Only limitation a genius has is the time to prove his/her theory. That time being described as their lifetime or the time it takes for another genius to prove the other geniuses theory first.
If you haven’t figured it out yet, I consider myself to be a technical genius, a subcategory of a true genius.
Add Comment (
Top )
Bending through the mind of those who are without is tuff if you have never been without. During my life, many hard times have befallen my family, but they, as their parents did before the, bore the load. By bearing the load for their children, they kept us far from the realities of life and its true hardships. Granted we don’t live as slaves, but we are slaves to the system. The system established generations before, not by anyone in particular, but a society of do-gooders, looking to make life more routine. The humbly established our government the best way they knew how, then as the population grew and new problems arose, they tweaked the system to compensate. Through centuries of compensation, they system has been over specialized as each department looked to compartmentalize each problem with a solution.
Unfortunately for their children, this over compartmentalization of each department combined with personal gain has corrupted the very foundation for which it was created to serve. When the favors go to far, the people they are meant to serve are often left behind while the abusers run amuck with the royalties of their position. This corruption, when pointed out or spotlighted due to a catastrophic failure, is often the cause of civil unrest. When taking over-advantage of ones position puts others at risk either physically, socially, or economically, the perpetrator should be handled like any other common criminal and placed in with the fermenting herd of degenerates. But does this fix the core problem, no. Unfortunately, just about everyone takes advantage of their position one way or another, no matter what their intention. The right person will find the correct balance of favors( for the good of all versus for ones self ). We must not be held under the elusion that no favors will be taken advantage, its in human nature to get what we think we deserve, but it’s the control of that nature that is required for these positions.
Back to the burdens! As a result of the compartmentalization of each department, corruption is available at many more levels than it was originally. As corruption, small or large, spreads through each compartment, social upheavals occur. Though they are mainly localized, the general population eventually grapples on to the massive of corruption stories and spits back out in anger. This anger often boils over into acts of civil unrest and/or disobedience. Either localized by riots or nationalized by the governments complete collapse, these events are inevitable. The way they are handled is key to that governments survival. Course in either event, the government is usually at fault for not dealing with its own corruption. Now beyond the governmental burdens, there are also socialized burdens. As many individuals become wealthy and more flamboyant, they draw the attention of the unweathly masses. Some may be idolized, some may be criminalized, course its not that persons fault, their wealth was made possible by the jealous masses. It should then be the responsibility of those who have been made wealthy to pass that wealth back down the pipe not only to the unfortunate, but the masses themselves. By passing back, atleast fifty percent of what they make, they can easily, A) help their tax situation B) make people in their general area happier C) return what the community has given them.
Now, regardless of what I just said, I would like to take a second and point to the riots going on in france. As the newpapers so gleefully pointed out, what happened there could easily happen in germany, England, and the rest of Europe. Social upheaval from a class of people who are the hardest hit and suffer the most are acting out their frustration by the hundreds. Yes, they are mostly hurting the people in their local area by doing what they are doing, but at level of frustration, lateral respect will not be found. But whos fault is it really? By striving for cultural diversity, they have effectively isolated themselves from the country that THEY CAME TO or their parents CAME TO. They then expect the country, that they now call home, to just adjust to their belief system as if it were their own. By then driving the stake of cultural diversity into the heart of another region, you only make what is happening more logical. Not that I blame the rioter’s, they were groomed that way by their parents. Their parents, were groomed that way by their society in general and now that society is at risk. Respecting the beliefs of others over your own when not in an area that is of your own should be paramount. Trying to covert that land into something its not will only lead in a negative direction. But alas, I digress, how do you bend to a completely different system that does not recognize most of your own beliefs and customs without completely destroying your own belief system. Thus the struggle continues.
It is these issues that we must grapple in our mind and squeeze out an answer. Though these are not the only issues we face on a day to day basis, we will face these issues at some point in our existence. Unfortunately the solution to dealing with these issues usually becomes a civil war or worse, a world war.
Humanistic struggles fascinate the minds of many philosophers, because without the ability to handle the social differences in our world, we hold back our development as a civilization. Maybe when we mature as a civilization we will fix these problems and thus propel our reality into another dimension of thought.
Add Comment (
Top )
Formally known as “destiny”. Cause and effect can be seen in everyday life. A kid gets a cookie for being good or a spanking for being bad. Simple enough. What happens when you try to stop a cause before it creates an effect? Well nothing that makes news J. Yes absolutely nothing. Unless you throw in the word “fate” Could cause and effect equal fate? Well lets see here: A man plans a robbery of a bank, he wear a fully bulletproof outfit and loads all his guns with bullet proof vest penetrating bullets. Now he plans an escape route of the sewer with a final destination of a helicopter that will take him to the next country. So as he gets to the bank, the cops just happen to see him walk in like a commando. They call for backup and when the robber steps out of the bank they tell him to drop his weapons and lie on the ground. When he does not comply they shoot at him with no effect. Now because they can see what he is doing he does not want to go into the sewer to make his dramatic escape, he wants to make sure the police don’t follow him. At this point he uses his backup plan, smoke with grenades. So he chucks grenades at the police positions, then throws up smoke canisters all around him. At the point when everything is zero visibility he runs for the manhole he has chosen to get away in. Since the police don’t see him they are completely unaware of where he went. Now at this point the only crime he committed was armed robbery. Since no one died or got hurt because the grenades were flash/bang style, the police are not in complete manhunt mode. Now I wonder, depending on the money stolen, can the robber stay away from further robberies or does he have to commit more. Well because he bought a lot of stuff from shady dealers, he has to pay them back. So he does and spends about a quarter of what he stole. Now what are the odds of the cops actually seeing this again? Since no on knew how he got away or his identity from the first robbery can he go back to that country. Well by all standards of knowledge, he should not go back due to the minuet chance the cops were able to track him down in some way or form. I myself would go back for one or two more hits depending on the amount of money I grossed from the second robbery. I would then move to another country that met my retirement specs and chill. He is the problem with the whole story, most people would get greedy and resort to the statement “just one more time”. This would most likely cause them to eventually have a slip up that would make them have to murder the cops without cause. Murdering them would be similar to an execution. He could walk up to them and shoot or just shoot everything they are behind at a slightly raised angle, killing anyone or thing in the path of the bullets. However, this behavior cannot last due to the fact that police will eventually arrive with some equipped backup that will take you out. So lesson is, don’t stay to long and don’t act stupid when your in charge of a situation. Murdering the cops will only get you hunted by more people. ( I don’t know if anyone has heard this but “cops are Americas largest gang”) Now, maybe my angle is slanted because I knew a few cops, who I liked and thought were very capable. So I would not want to harm the ultimate gang if I could avoid it. But hey, I will never do the above because I tend to value my life and in that tradition I would not put myself in the above situation. Hey maybe someone else can use it though. The media and the public tend to like to see the bad guy get away if he presents a good enough challenge to the police who pursue him. Sorta like a “serial” killer. Serial meaning sequential and for a purpose. Hence cause and effect. The only reason we do what we do.
Add Comment (
Top )
Depression, I state in which the mind feels as though something is missing. I am in that state right now, I have found the meaning of life and yet I am now depressed. How is this possible I ponder as I type this insanity out on a computer screen while listening to trance music that only fondles my present mental state. I just about have all that I want in life and yet I feel as though i am missing apart of me. This missing part is something I have left behind, but what could it be? It out of my control and yet its something I can mentally manipulate, its time. Time that ever present nagging that tells you that your late or your about to miss something. This thing that shackles many of us to the ever changing fabric of life. I wish I could press a magical forward and back button or even a pause but alas it stays one step away beckoning me forward like an endless conveyer belt. And though I wish sometimes someone would cut the power, I realize that without this, life as a whole would become stagnant and die.
But anyways, what is it that is clamping my mind down kicking and screaming that puts me in into my present mental state? As with the rest of my mental ramblings, I watch my life pass by in my minds eye and as I mentally traverse my past, I find only despair and longing for what were the good times. I mentally grab those feeling from my past and pull them into the present hoping that they will change my mental state from depressed to happy or at least, ok. Maybe I should stop taking vacations and work 16/7 so I can avoid situations like this. I figure if my mind cannot wander, then it cannot force me to endure this indescribable feeling of self loathing and pity that I need not feel. I have no reason to feel this way but yet I do, what kind of sick joke is this anyhow? If you have ever seen the show quantum leap, you will understand when I say that the mental traversal of my history matches perfectly. Ya know, its too bad we couldn’t download the mental history of a human being into a computer. We could save it for generations to come and allow our future generations to understand what it felt like to live in different time periods. You could take the mental image shortly before someone dies therefore preventing any admissions of guilt from being held against them. Hey maybe we could even solve murders by at least knowing who committed the crime even if they never served time. Who knows, depending on the person, they may have served the time mentally. You could even find out instantly if someone is innocent or guilty of crime, no need for a justice system of courts and lawyers, your either guilty or your not, hey no more jury duty!
Ok, I have jumpstarted my mind again, so I am good to go! And if you were wondering, all my writings are essentially free writes, so get over the grammatical/spelling errors for fucks sake.
Add Comment (
Top )
I don’t know about a lot of people, but tend to look at the term destiny allot. I tend to look at events that are happening around me and analyze them in a way that is parallel to my life at the present time. As I analyze the events from my perspective I begin to see a pattern of some sort. Now let this be said, “destiny is only a point of view”. My point of view is slanted on what I perceive an event to mean. For example, I was recently told I would get no bonus, no adjustments to my wage and I would now have a cap on how much I could ever make and that the cap would be only 90% of the market(competitive wages). I take that to mean you need get more certificates and finish college so that I may find a better job somewhere else where my talents are more appreciated. Now previous to this decision by my current company I had been talking to another company that was just completing the beta testing of a completely new service. They told me to hold on and that they would need me down the road to setup their server centers. They were going to be some sort of ASP (Application Service Provider), that instead of using conventional ISP connection methods, they would use Satellite. Side note: given my knowledge of satellite, I don’t know how stable or secure this will be. Anyways, I don’t know how much they plan to pay me, but I know with what I know and my experience, it will be more than I make now. I just recently heard that they were only a few months away from launching the service and had signed up wal-mart. So as of now I will sit tight until they call me in. If you look back on the events of my very short life in IT, I started as a delivery/tech for a company that was deploying new systems between two states, then I moved to a small firm at which I standardized and established email and internet with for about 20 people, then I moved on to a more complicated company with over 200 employees that needed to deploy a network, new mainframe and new services company wide without to much incident. The logical progression in my mind is a stepping stone scenario. I have moved from small time after hours to managing networks that need 24/7 uptime. Each one presents its own set of challenges the I always seem to overcome in a brief period of time; interestingly enough, each new company presents a bigger list at which I have to adapt to quicker than the last. At my present company I have over 200 separate challenges (estimate) that constantly change in form. But fortunately for everyone involved I love a challenge! J From my point of view as given above can you follow my destiny to its end, barring any medial or accidental factors? I can, basically, I will be in charge of the worlds largest MIS department at some point in the future. Maybe even bring new solutions into the world of information technology. Now that is one heck of a destiny. But hey that is just my slant of things. Hence the point of view statement. Another person could see this as, in ten years you will have made all the money you needed, be retired and you wont follow IT anymore. Therefore, dying old and stupid. But for those of you who think that, maybe your right. However, the fact that I like a challenge of the IT sort, only makes it in my mind that I will end up doing great things.
Final word: Destiny is only a state of mind made up of cause and effect associations.
Add Comment (
Top )
Freedom to think can never be taken for granted. Being in the US I have never once not had the freedom to think, even when told to “hold that thought”. The prevalence of my thinking has allowed what I feel and believe to be transformed into physical action. That physical action is what propels me to new levels of comprehension. Being able to excel into new levels is what compounds my knowledge and expands my horizons beyond that of normal people. Though I wish not to elevate myself above “normal” people, I do have my own issues; I just see what eludes normal people. It is that which eludes most people train of though that powers my intellectual well-being. I am not sure I can actually explain what I feel, think, see, know and do not know, but I hope to form some semblance of it. I think the human spirit is found in the ability to think for yourself no matter what you do or where you live. It is that spirit that drives the masses and brings tyrants and hero alike to fame and glory. Being able to think for one’s self is what we must control, because once that control is lost, we are but mere pawns. Life at that point is extracted from us like maple from trees. We would become empty vessels prime for the taking and mismanagement by those who seek to become the ultimate power. It is quite unfortunate that no man can achieve what he thinks is ultimate power because simply put, everything has a weakness; you just have to find it.
Being able to think on our own has brought us all that surrounds us, whether it is priceless art, technology or more efficient ways of killing other people. Normal life is what provoked us to do and create the unthinkable. Each provocation is then followed up with more challenges when the initial provocation is addressed, thus thrusting us forward and advancing our race in some way. The invention on of the wheel and the discovery of fire is what propelled us to our current stage in life. As our civilization and technology are compounded at a faster pace, we as sentient beings will not only evolve but we will mature. Life is not the process of birth, creation of new life and then death, it’s a learning process. The only fault with this learning process is that we as humanity have limited life spans, thus firmly limiting what we can do and experience in that lifetime. I feel that this limitation must be overcome for our race to advance to a new level of understanding. Cloning may be the answer to this problem, but because of fear, that other force, the one that holds us back and keeps us check, we may have extended the time frame of when we will evolve. Individualism is within us, whether cloned or not, nature and nurture are what guide us in our self-discovery.
Add Comment (
Top )
Genius or self relevance? That is the question that some ask themselves when they think of what they have accomplished in life. You think of your creations and your failures as the road thru your life that you paved with your bare hands, though not created soly by you, but with the guidance of others. Now that guidance may come in the form of a comment about something you had done or a basic idea that needed someone to fill in the gaps. The guidance could of also come from people who didn’t even know they were giving you guidance, maybe someone singing a song( or lyrical story), maybe a tv show talking about a subject your interested in, or even an article you read in a book. These people may have plowed the land that enabled you to place the stones, but they did not build the road, nor did they create the ground they plowed. Think of the ground they plowed as the slate in which you created your masterpieces and your unmentionables. Now what can be only described as your ultimate work; is the city you build at the end of the road.
I have not built my city yet, but I am attempting to lay the foundation. Like other geniuses, they too have built their road and some have even completed their city, some have even connected their city to another person’s road and shared in the glory of what they made. I can feel the city’s foundations forming in my mind and hope that I can but only build a city that stands as a tribute to what all of mankind can accomplish. Think of it as building the tallest skyscraper in the world. But I hope that my skyscraper will hold the flame that will ignite ideas that will eventually overcome my own great accomplishments.
Add Comment (
Top )
I watch the news, I listen to the radio, I read the internet. What is it about humanity that requires us to only see the struggles in life? What is it about us that we must make every struggle everyone’s struggle? Some struggles should not be cared about by anyone. I see people starving, people killing each other because they don’t believe in the same religion, people trying to cheat others out of whatever they can get away with. Why should I care about staving people? Quit fucking so much, do some planting and leave me alone. Why should I care about Muslims killing everyone including other Muslims? Ever heard of over population? Look what the Egyptians did to the Jews. And finally, why should I care about people being cheated out of something? Do I look like a cop? Some people should be required to pass a common sense test before they can open a bank account. Sending someone money to win or claim something is stupid.. it has stupid written all over it. Replying to a random email that is blatantly meant to cheat you, is stupid. Clicking yes to something because it says it will fix your computer, is stupid. I could go on, but I will not. My point here is that every known medium, even churches, convey a negative image of things that no one should really care about. So I misspelled a word or screwed up a sentence, fuck you. If you know what I meant, don’t correct me, it allows you to feel more self important and me to feel, well actually, I wouldn’t give a shit, but some people would probably beat themselves in the head.
On to the negativity part; why does everything have to be so negative? Granted my website is not exactly positive, but its not all negative. Watch the news, I think they try to squeeze one positive story in a week. The story is often a side note that has very little significance to all of us. How about instead of there might be terror attacks on our country at anytime and any place to, hey we haven’t had any terror attacks here and it seems our new security procedures are working to thwart terrorism! I guess good news is lame news. Why is it when some star dies, we all should pay homage to their work during their life? Fuck them, people die everyday, it’s a known fact that someday you will die. Why should I be reminded of this fact? I guess bad news is good news.
Well if bad news shouldn’t be shown and there is not enough good news, what should the news cover. Did I say they shouldn’t cover the bad news or the good news? No. What I said, if you can read between the lines, is that the news should be reported, but the stories should be reported without the dramatic flair that goes into each current broadcast. If you want to make someone depressed, tell them they are going to die. This is exactly what they do each and every time they come on. How do I make this leap? Its simple. Keep a tally on how many people died, could die, or were so badly mangled they should of died for each and every story you read. Now keep the same tally for people who lived, had a good time or were very fortunate. Then keep a tally on the time spent on each kind of story. You will find, within one week, that 95% of the stories are about death. So you say, what does this have to do with humanitarian struggles? I say, how many people died? What did they die for? How did they die? And what did they die trying to do?
So what does this all have to do with deep thought? Depression. What causes people to get depressed? For me, my number one issue is death. For most people it is the following factors:
Job Status ( boss, satisfaction, interaction with others )
Home Status ( bills, kids, relatives )
Health ( fat, skinny, right food/wrong food )
Death ( family dying, immanent deaths, accidental death, self preservation )
Other ( to much to do, wasted time, being tired )
It make me more depressed to see people I care about getting depressed about things they could or couldn’t of controlled. I see them and I think of happy times with them and how happy they are about different things, but then I see the depressed side of it all. Why do we do the things we do to cause depression and why don’t we correct them if we can? Why is it that trying to correct the issues is what makes us more depressed and often causes us to fail?
Final thought: When life is full of life and YOU are happy, take that moment into your mind and don’t forget it. Use that moment to rebut the sad moment when it trys to hold you back and bring you to your knees.
Add Comment (
Top )
Time is but a memory, only remembered by those who survived. As i sit here, my mind a flurry of joy and dispair, i wonder what i am to be. I wonder whether or not i am supposed to just exist or whether time has a plan for me. I recently did something stupid and after realizing the possibility of my death i took a minute to wonder, why didn't it blow up, there was no reason why it should not have. Then i find myself looking at other events of my life that seem to not make sense, i realize i have come so close to death on many occasions. Its seems that you have a fifty/fifty chance of dying at any moment and that the only time you die is when you lost that bet you made on that particular occasion. Anyhow. I realized just a few moments ago that a year has gone by since i put this site on the web, i noticed life goes on, people dont change, only their ideas. I was thinking, what if, just what if, say a lunatic was out hunting and he just happened to run into another lunatic and they just happen to suduice each other into doing what the other wants, what happens when both are ready to strike. Do they just kill each other in their own sneaky way or do they halt in their actions, pair up and ruin the town.
i have decided to tell a short tale of how i attacked a peckerheads server, disabling and destroying it. Basically i just used an old flaw in IIS4/5 with the script directory on this dude. Once i figured out that his shitty little server was vulnerable i viewed his drives, started a tftp server on my system, had his server download netcat, then i ran the it on the server and within a minute i was connected to his machine and running the command prompt like i was at the actual console. It only took me two hours to completely disable his server and destroy all the files. He had backup and restored his server within hours of it going down. I was surprised, since he had fucked up hosting my site and i had to redo it cause he didn't back it up. Maybe i should of backed up my own shit, but when you edit stuff as it is live, you tend to like it more and more. I still do it but since i run my own webserver, i dont have to worry about some other dumbass backing my shit up. I back my own shit up. Well you know what is funny about the hack i presented above. That same strategy was used on my when i brought a company webserver up. I only had it up for four days before someone had hacked it with the same exact exploit. Funny thing is. this time the person downloaded an ftp program that they were trying to setup to work on another port. They did however fail to setup the ftp server because of the wonderful firewall i had setup to keep people out. I have since secured that server, i had not had the time to do so before the intrusion. Best part about the whole this is, i was able to identify the ip and another software ftp used by the hacker to download the ftp software to my server. I contacted the admin of the site and they have since killed the pub. I also contacted their isp and had their account killed. That is justice in my eyes. Jail is waste of time.. literally. I guess life is funny this way. tata. oh i work to much, i guess you could call me a work-o-holic(24hours in three days)
If you haven't noticed, my typing is sort of like someone speaking their mind in random directions. I will try to correct my thoughts after I type them, but i will not guarantee your understanding of them.
I really think that if enough of those crazy, evil, and despicable terrorist organizations just had there members kill themselves without harming other people then the world would be a safer more stable place. Just cause i don't like the way the Japanese do business and rape American workers and hurt our economy, i don't go out and terrorize their country. GRR i just cant explain how POed i am about this. I really do hope the Americans go after these fuckers and pound the shit out of them. I will put it this way. A fox can come out of its hole, kill some farm animals and go back into hiding, but eventually that fox will piss off the farmer a lot and the farmer will try everything in his power to kill that fox. I believe we are currently in that situation. The fox has really really really pissed us off and i don't think it's going to find anywhere to hide. If the government does nothing to answer this, they are hanging themselves and i don't know how much longer this democracy will last under those circumstances. However, if they do respond with extreme and unrelenting actions, i think we will grow stronger and safer as a whole.
Oh my what should i say. HeHe, I think you don't want to know. I might make you sob into a lower state then when you stumbled onto this site. If you found this site you are definitely in need of of help. And while i cannot help you, I can guarantee that i will add a new basement level to your current level of mental thought. If you have any problems with this, please refer to the Home page for guidance.
Add Comment (
Top )
Life is a journey that never ends. A journey that has more twists and turns than the best thriller. Driven by the basic wants of the human mind and needs of the physical body, this journey as we call it, does not falter with time. It takes time and raps itself around life. Knowing that, I see my life as it was and maybe will be, a journey. We see time as a universal known, but what we don’t see is that time itself is the only true factor of our existence. We have evolved thru time, but we do not know how, yes we have some idea, but only time itself has a clue as to why it happened this way. Maybe time should be considered as four-dimensional. Past, present, future, and alternative time. Or you could assume it is our fourth dimension, although most scientists will argue with you.. UGH! Anyhow, as this journey proceeds life goes on and we eventually die. But there in lies the problem. What was this journey for we all ask. I say, learning. We learn to live, no! We learn to understand emotional state of mind so that we my eventually experience them all together in a great ameba of emotion. A blob that exists on a fifth dimension. Some might call this fifth dimension heaven/hell. I call it an emotional cloud of understanding. As stated in previous posts, I acknowledge a higher power and I also acknowledge that this stage in our life is a learning period. One that will allow us to fully understand the ameba of emotion when it presents itself.
Add Comment (
Top )
People say that young people never understand everything. This is entirely true in most cases, but what I would like to go over are some of the facts. Now lets look back as most people say, don’t look back you can never look back.. what is done is done. Fuck them, looking back, i often realize that what i have done at the moment of an occurrence of an event was not in anyone’s best interest but yet i did it. Not thinking about it until way after the fact, when nothing can be done but yet the memory is there. I often wonder my mind ponders such events when they cannot be changed, is it some sort of a subconscious jail? An event is held in your mind and replayed at random times as some sort of a punishment. I would consider it a cruel punishment for a deed that does not deserve such torment. Events could be as simple as not giving someone what they wanted and then seeing the disappointment in their eyes or as complicated as not doing something that would of affected many others in a good way. These events just play at random times plaguing your every thought. Why is this so? Regret is a bitch I guess some people would say. But why does it have to be? Yes someone else is disappointed or hurt, but why must you or I endure years of flashbacks to events that are now trivial? Now, if you notice, most people’s regrets only start forming until after you are in your mid teens. It’s like a veil lifted from your minds eye and you begin to notice/absorb stuff that will torment you for the rest of your life. I think this is when the statement “life’s a bitch” comes into play. But why must it be a bitch? What have I done to deserve that? Well I guess the answer lies in the flash backs. Often the cause for depression and anxiety prompting many people to turn to drugs, suicide and insanity as a defense from this. Doctors ask, what causes people to go insane, maybe the words can be found in a simple song lyric “seize the moment try to freeze it and own it, squeeze it and hold it”. As thought maybe a “chemical reaction” caused these moments to replay more often in these peoples heads. If this is true, then maybe we are all one step away from insanity and all it would require to trigger it would be a continuous chemical reaction of the right kind. Maybe there is a thin line between insane and sane and there is nothing we can do about it except hope we never cross it. I guess the solution lies in the flash backs and drugs can only prevent the inevitable.
Add Comment (
Top )
Seeing greatness detested by those who lack the will, intelligence and means to copy it makes me sick. It reminds me of my baseball team as a child. We had none of the above and therefore never won a single game the entire season. This class of person who I have recently begun to realize existed, just makes me ill. To reach for greatness, one must ask of themselves more than what they think they are capable of as thinking is ultimately mans undoing. Everyone mastermind meets their end when they begin to overthink. These kinds of people litter our history books with fascinating stories, momentous enthusiasm and earth shattering realism.
To me, greatness is only achieved then the unthinkable occurs. Reaction…maybe? Predispostion… maybe? Planning.. maybe? But in the end, none of the above write the outcome, though they play a part, the role is that of a crowd extra. For those who I have lost, there is a Japanese anime that you should watch. Its called “Death Note”. I find the hallucinations of the Japanese imagineers amusing, enlightening and extremely interesting. They have a way of telling a story that includes the insight of deep thought, the emotions of a giddy teen girl and the imagination of a master story teller. Not all anime is like this, but some of the best stories written so far have some type of cocktail containing the three.
Pulling myself back from the self loathing of yet again finishing another great story, I have a need to fully envelope myself in all the details, plot lines, theories and outcomes. I gravitate to the possibilities like a hunter to its prey. The irresistible details message my brain and thus calm my nerves. My heart pounds ever so harder as conclusions come to fruition and unnecessary plot withers till it dies. I pause momentarily to bath in the beauty of whole thing, thus savoring every last inkling of possible continuance. Does this make a fan or a stalker? I often wonder what it would be like to place myself in each characters shoes. What would I do differently? What if I were the bad guy… would I have made the same mistakes or committed those acts of genius? There is one thing about Japanese stories… the ending are either extremely predictable or just go off into a world all their own… its like the author just had mental block and just said fuck it… Lets get high and write about that.
Thus I end my entry into the world wide web of wisdom, deceit and forbarence. I hope those who have read this understand the place I am writing and have written from. This place is dark and should be avoided at all costs. It can only lead down the road to nowhere, the past or a very predictable future. Hopefully life, though dark at times, will breathe a sigh of relief tonight.
Add Comment (
Top )
As concepts of history repeat themselves, I often wonder when we as a civilization will learn. I wonder when we will finally adopt the ideas of the past that work and the ideas of the future which have not been explored in our past. I wonder when we will blossom into a society with the need for things but the capacity to give beyond our means. A society not based on material objects but one based on humanity.
The rules that currently guide us are there to prevent us from killing one another over material things. The government in its current form was created and maintained out a need by its people. The quality of life is what the people decide, totalitarianism or democracy, maybe a little of both. Unfortunately, when that government starts to get a taste of the power given to them, they tend not to give as much back, in-fact that tend to force upon the entire country laws that seem to serve a logical function, but in the end, only serve to tighten the grip. As I said, the quality a life in a country is determined by the people that live there.
People point to external sources when the point to our countries impending downfall, those people are incorrect, our downfall will be the fault of our own. It will be inflicted by us, on ourselves, and it will be swift. The inability to think in an intelligent manner will only fuel the fire that will bring this country to its knees. We will soon reach our peak, if we haven’t already, as a society and we will have no one to blame but ourselves when things come crashing down around us. Our foreign policies, sprinkled with the thoughts of doing good and improving a quality of life, have a black beating heart inside, the blood of conquest and control pumping through its veins. It beats only because we let it beat, telling ourselves that what we have done we have done for the greater good. What we have done is, impose ourselves on another society, as we have done in the past. That society built its government and that society created that way of life, it was up to them to change it as it is always up to the people to change it.
My hope is that we will finally learn from this mistake and not repeat it. My hope is that people who have forgotten our past mistake will remember our current mistake and just maybe the point will not be lost on them or their children. My hope is that our society emerges from this reformed and willing to undo the insanity that was imposed by irrational fears, rash decision and fearful thinking. It is my hope that intelligence and sanity will prevail.
Add Comment (
Top )
What is the meaning of life? Seems like a good question, but no one seems to have a good answer! Well.. why ask a question if you know no one will have a good answer? Because you are philosophizing about your existence you want to make sure that no one else has a clue either. Well unfortunately for those people, I have found the meaning of life and I completely understand it!
So, lets get this straight, you know the meaning of life? Yes, yes I do and it makes perfect sense. I have gone over the logic in my head and have found no flaws! Amazing huh? Anyhow, on to the answer, its very simple, in-fact it kind of points to the generality that all things being equal, the simplest answer is often the right one! In this case, it is so. Anyhow, the answer is: Satisfaction.
Satisfaction answers all the questions about life other than the scientific ones. Those questions often entail details that don’t have anything to do with philosophy. Anyhow, back to the word satisfaction, this about this question: What am I here for? Well to get satisfied. What does sex do for everyone, it satisfies them! What does eating do? You guessed it, satisfies! Let me tie this in with my ideas about the human race; I believe we are here to learn from our surroundings, each day/year is a learning experience that we eventually take with us to the next step in our existence. Satisfaction is what keeps us alive. Being self-aware is a benefit to our existence, because most other animals don’t seem to be able to contemplate like we can. I say that because we don’t know what they are saying when they make noises. If you look at any animal, it lives to satisfy itself.
By default we all have basic needs, these needs are recognized by everyone, if those needs are fulfilled, then the person is satisfied. Built in to everyone is the need to not be bored. Even the laziest people often find things to do so they are not bored, being bored means you are not satisfied, therefore you ask the question, why am I here?! Well you’re here because you need to be satisfied at some level of your being. Everything we do is done so that we are satisfied in one way or another. So how does working for a living make me satisfied? Well you work so you can support your dream, whatever it might be; kids, cars, houses, status, money, whatever satisfies you!
Think about my answer and try to prove me wrong…. I don’t think its possible to argue with this answer.
Add Comment (
Top )
The photo album of the mind is traversed many times when a loved one is lost. As I remember the good times and the bad times, the way things were and the way things happened, I flip thru the long forgotten photos in my minds eye of the one I loved. I see the happy times, the questionable times and the accidental times. The ever-forgiving eyes in every photo contained within my mind only remind me of what I have lost this day. It is what I have lost that I cherish soo much that I do not realize what time has passed since I have shown love for thee. Love lived in my heart, filling up my soul and it was that love that you showed that has shown me what life really is and could be.
I think about the way you acted and how you treated the kids. I think about what you went thru when you were younger and how you managed to make everyone who met you feel the happiness you had within you. Thru think and thin you showed an unwavering love that pierced thru the darkness of life and lifted me up. Although I inflicted pain on you, you always recuperated and forgave me. Maybe it was that pain which led you down the path to this point or maybe a situation I made worse that caused your time to grow shorter and for that I am sorry. The life of one is worth more than anything in the world, because it is that life that can provide the happiness to sustain others in this world. It is the joy that keeps us all alive and it is the memory of that joy that will continue to keep me going.
I hope the place you go is pure happiness and forgiveness and understanding are apart of the experience. I hope that eventually we will meet again and truly embrace that love the way we had once. After all, it was you who provided what I see as the meaning of life. You have given me the fuel as well as all that you have come in contact with, to keep going until our time comes to an end. Maybe that memory of the joy felt will bring us back together with the rest of our friends someday. Good luck on your journey and my love to all.
Add Comment (
Top )
Before the thought of life, there must have been a glimpse of what was. The all important question that plaques any who care, “why are we here”. I concluded a long time ago that we are here because two microorganisms decided to mate. No really, there must be a reason why life becomes what it is. Maybe the universe felt alone and decided to make play toys to watch. Maybe unimaginable/unbelievable creatures/titans felt that there was void in space/time that had to be filled. So the painting on the canvas of the universe began, taking centuries to create and after the first revision, we were brought into the picture. Maybe because of our curiosity with the world around us, we remained in the second or third revision. Painting our form to be as it is, they realized that after a few touch ups we would present a being that could not only be useful, but also could create its own purpose and come to realize it. Maybe we are the children of the stars or at least on set of children that began its journey like the other children of the stars on distant planets, all of which are in a race to see who can realize the above epiphanies first. As with the rest of my ranting, I still believe that this life is but a step in the universal evolution of “being”. Everything should be thoroughly analyzed and at the same time enjoyed. Maybe in the many steps of our existence we will find our purpose, if there is such a thing, as many would have us to believe. Why should we kneel before, worship, or believe in a god, if this “god” is completely hands off. Now I don’t mean to mock believers of anything or say that they are wrong. Truth is, no one knows any different and therefore cannot state that his or her point of view is correct. (No im not going to get into the people who “force” their religion on others.) Every “point of view” has its fanatics. Now, back to the rant at hand; truthfully, I believe the key to everything is unlocking the mysteries of what the universe is comprised of and how it functions. However, everything we need to know is provided for us here on our world. We just need to find/realize it.
Add Comment (
Top )
We as a race are driven by our mind. We are controlled by are mind and sometimes it just takes complete control leaving our consciousness behind. It is now 11:30pm and my body decided that it needed sleep about 9pm. But my mind decided to say “fuck you” and it wanted to preoccupy itself with ANYTHING on tv. Nothing was new, nothing that I haven’t seen before, just a desire to watch a tv set blankly for over 2 and a half hours. I guess you could call it an exercise in futility. The body complains of lack of sleep and the mind completely ignores it. Therefore this concept of “mind over matter” is proven. You can do anything your mind sets itself to do, whether you want to or not. Sometimes in the daze of ride you realize and ask yourself… what am I doing, about 2 hours after you initially got up and walked away from reality. Funny thing is, there is nothing you can do about it. Compare it to the auto pilot that gets turned on while you are driving down a highway in a strait line at a regular speed. You only take notice of what you have driven after something interesting happens. Strange but annoying! Now as the example above shows, when your mind looses it consciousness, the body is lead around like a child with a rag doll. Nothing you can do until this little mindless spell ceases. Sitting here I notice that with full control over ones mind, this zombie state can be controlled and limited in use. However, it will never be gone. Think of it as the minds automatic function. If think about your breathing, then you can control it. If you think about your heart rate you can control it. If you think that you are cold you can warm yourself up. Funny thing is, when you don’t think about these things, they run automatically. I myself, had a bout of control with my body. I ended up being admitted into a hospital for an anxiety attack. Face it, nothing is fully controllable, it just has the ability to be coursed into functioning the way you want for limited amount of time. By me fighting with my body for so long, my body reacted with a warning. DO NOT fuck with me, I can cease to function if you persist with your foolish attempts at complete control. Ahh your body, a good example of democracy. If negotiating with you fails, you do things the hard way (anxiety attack). Well it worked and I gave up control. If you have never experienced an anxiety attack, let me explain. First your heart begins to beat rapidly, then slows down, then speeds up. Next you feel adrenaline pumping thru your veins and your heart speeds up even more, then it quickly slows down. You begin to shake and feel really cold. Next you experience a headache. All the while your heart continues to jump from fast to slow. Your breathing changes with your heart. Your blood pressure soars to dangerous levels giving you a headache again and again. This process of up and down continues for about 8 hours. I like to think of it as a struggle. You try and control and your body strikes back like a wolf in a trap trying to escape by gnawing at its leg. Eventually the trap will break or the leg gets bitten off. Either way the wolf is free (slightly injured). It’s a struggle that your mind has to give up before your body commits suicide. I lost that battle with my body and I am glad. The doctor suggested a book to read to help me control my mind and better understand how to sooth my body’s ravaged landscape. After spending the next week with small fits of anxiety attacks they finally subsided. That’s when I realized that nothing is controllable. Nothing is preventable. And nothing is avoidable. Complete control is a fallacy. Now I will retire, my body is beckoning me to sleep (NOW!). By the way, for those of you that are interested in this great book (helped me some), its name is: “Full catastrophe living”. Its basically reverse mind over matter. Very good read! G, Night!
Add Comment (
Top )
What of this reality? What of this world? When will our dreams bring us together as one? Time ticks on with the beat of your heart and yet I feel nothing inside. The lonesome wind that winds through your soul carrying your spirit to the blistered lands of insanity can only provide me with the hope that is needed to carry on. The deep loathing within me holds tight as to prevent its own destruction but yet I cannot bring myself to break its grasp. It is here in the shattered landscape of my mind that I do battle with my heart and my soul to keep what I know not to be true from tearing me apart.
As I am only flesh and bone, the earth is only dirt and debry. Though we were once one, as with the rest of reality, we have grown apart. It is not yet time for me to return to my origin but yet I long for the singularity we were. I have seen many things that would only sadden the darkest of hearts and I have seen many things that would brighten them as well. But the one thing that remained true to both sides is that we were once one.
Add Comment
